Over the course of four days I jotted down my dreams as soon as I woke up. Welcome to my dream world.
I was selling my house, which was a detached mansion and nothing like my real life flat. In the basement there were zombies, unfortunately, but this didn’t present a problem to the prospective buyers. In fact, they were looking forward to the challenge. What was problematic for them, though, was next door’s reptile problem: thousands of silver snakes, no bigger than a foot long and as thin as worms. These snakes were invading my neighbour’s driveway and slithering around their gardens. They began to creep into my garden and scared away the would-be buyers, as well as me. As I ran away from the snakes, I watched a Boeing-747 plane coming into land at the airport but it botched the landing, went around and soon developed a mechanical problem, subsequently heading for a crash landing on my street. I ran and hid amongst the many back alleys as the plane crashed with a mighty boom.
I was with my girlfriend’s family preparing the table for dinner, everything was normal. Until my girlfriend started crying and I said we’d go for a walk instead. We were walking through the streets when a giant red demon’s face appeared on one of the buildings, instructing everybody that the city was now in a game-world and people could do what they liked. Immediately we were mugged by a little kid and after handing over our possessions I found my courage and chased him, tackled him and stole his weapon. However, after recovering our belongings the mugger’s friends arrived and my girlfriend and I got into the back of a vehicle, ordering the driver to drive as fast as possible. It was an epic car chase finishing with us in a jungle with the muggers still on our tail. Our car was driving up a very steep slope but it stalled and we got out, thinking we were doomed until King Kong appeared and transformed me into a gorilla. King Kong then challenged me to a tree-top race swinging from branch to branch and collecting bananas. I won the challenge, surprisingly, whereupon I was rewarded with scratch-cards but told that I couldn’t claim the prize unless I saved the game.
I was in a large house, that had a converted loft, with my friends from high-school. For some reason there was a polar bear outside the door and we had to fight to keep it at bay during the night. We succeeded and then watched my friend George do some impressive acrobatics off the old, wooden beams which traversed the roof. I was then in Asda, trying to find some jogging pants but whenever I picked them up they turned into cheese pizzas. My old high-school teacher, Mr Walker, was also in Asda bellowing orders at the checkout girl.
The dream quickly switched to me walking around a university campus, which I didn’t recognise, and all of the buildings were located in the countryside. I looked at the map of the campus, which turned out to be the Hyrule map from Zelda: Ocarina of Time and as I pointed at an old church I was transported to the exact place. The church turned out to be a chemistry lab, which I broke into and hid within the cupboards while the scientists walked around. They left and I got out, stumbling upon a man’s body and, finding he was unconscious, I carried his body to the nearby clinic and with the help of the doctor, frantically tried to resuscitate him. Next thing I knew I was in a lift with Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis from The Hangover. We were all in amazing, tailored black tuxedos and we were armed to the max with shotguns, machine guns and pistols. The lift doors opened and we were in a gunfight with dozens of Chinese men, who got slaughtered by us. Bradley Cooper and Zach left, base-jumping off the building’s roof but leaving me behind.
One of the Chinese gunmen survived and stood back up, asking for forgiveness. I spoke with him, in English, and he told me his life story and how the woman he loved was alone back home. I told him to go back home to the woman he loved but if he didn’t get there before I did I’d shoot her.
I was due to participate in the cross bay walk at Morecambe Bay with my girlfriend, but the wind was too strong and the event was called off. I was disappointed and looked across the bay, surprised to see that not only was the tide still in, but there were a dozen massive cruise liners anchored stern-to against the coastal sea wall. I turned around and walked back to bump into Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip, who I promptly ignored and instead stopped to shake hands with an old school friend called Tom. I was surprised to find out that Tom was the Royal Trombone player even though he never played any instruments in school. Next thing I knew I was walking passed a shop when I noticed Arnold Schwarzenegger within a glass display cabinet that was packed with ice, and him shouting ‘ice-cold sales’ every ten seconds while flexing his pecks. So I went into the shop but was deceived, as Arnold immediately broke out of the glass and then rushed me into a secret room at the back of the shop. He told me the Columbians were coming any minute as we hid under rugs. The Columbians turned up and began shooting at the shop with machine guns. Arnold handed me a remote device which detonated the floor we were on and we fell into a tunnel, which we escaped through and came out into a futuristic station of thousands of metal tubes. Arnold and I crawled into a tube and fastened into our bobsleigh-like shuttle and were whisked far away to the other side of the world.
Unfortunately the bobsleigh was then stopped half-way through the journey by the police. Arnold handed me a laser gun and told me to fire. The police turned out to be vampires who didn’t like the heat of the laser pen and backed away.