What really happened to Crispian the hedgehog…

Here is the “real” story, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-20151566, although this is what actually happened:

General Martin led his team of steak and spinach flavour Super Spuds through the perilous woods that surrounding their rubbish tip city of Mt Ibri, Weston-super-Mare.  They were on a mission to gather mushrooms growing in the forest.   The king of Mt Ibri, King Boris, had developed an insatiable appetite for mushrooms and demanded that a plate of the freshest mushrooms was on his dinner table every night.  It was a risky mission, the woods were full of enemies: foxes, badgers, birds, and last but not least, hedgehogs.  General Martin wasn’t scared, he had been into these woods many times before; his trusty sword – a sharpened HB pencil – had killed many enemies while his shield – a 2p coin – had protected him from the sharpest of claws.   

                “Quiet troops, we’re deep behind enemy lines now,” whispered General Martin.

Unknown to the four Super Spuds, they were already being tracked by Crispian and his gang of hedgehogs.  The mushrooms were a delicacy for the hedgehogs too and they were growing tired of the Super Spuds stealing their food.  Crispian was also a young hedgehog, fiercely territorial and desperate to impress the female hedgehogs in the woods.   Lying in wait upon higher ground, Crispian could see the Super Spuds approaching their position.  Crispian, along with his gang, curled into a ball and began rolling down the hill towards the Super Spuds, gaining terrific speed.

                “Ambush!” screamed General Martin.

General Martin managed to dive out of the way of the incoming spike balls, but the rest of his squad died instantly once the hedgehogs slammed into – and subsequently impaled – their packages.  Crispian and his gang unrolled and slowly approached General Martin.  Despite killing two hedgehogs, General Martin was outnumbered and surrounded.  Crispian dealt the lethal blow, painfully removing one of his spikes from his body and throwing it through General Martin like a javelin.   Crispian had impressed his gang and especially the females, but he was in bad shape. Removing one of his spikes had sent his body into shock and he was left with no choice but to rip open General Martin and hide inside his packet to prevent heat loss. 

                Two hours later and the humans arrived.  Thinking Crispian had become trapped inside the crisp packet, the humans felt sorry for him and took him away for medical care, saving his life.  Crispian smiled to himself; soon he would be healed and could return to his woods to lead his gang once more.   Back in Mt Ibri, King Boris was furious his mushrooms hadn’t arrived.