Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Red and Blue

King Martin, G-Boa, Kate and General Nectarine stood at the entrance to Mt Compton speaking to Albert. 
“This is ridiculous, all this fighting over a colour,” said G-Boa.
            “It started as a colour thing, but now it’s evolved into a deeper meaning: a loyal brand,” said Albert.
            “Why don’t you take a side, then?” asked King Martin.
            “Do you know nothing about my flavour?  I am a Swiss roll flavour, our flavouring is balanced perfectly in its acidity and alkalinity – we are pH 7 and completely neutral.  As such, our personality is always unbiased and we never take sides over anything.  I am ideal as the gatekeeper for Mt Compton.”
            “Fine, I guess we’ll side with the blue colour,” said King Martin.
            “But I like red,” replied General Nectarine.
            “Blue is a nicer colour and has always suited my package better.   I’m the king so I’m calling the shots here.”
            General Nectarine obeyed his king but was not happy and commented, “I now understand why they went to war.”   
            Albert handed the four of them blue bandanas and they tied them around the top of their package, just above the eyes.  Albert opened the blue gate and said farewell.   Albert locked the gate behind him and it was impossible to escape, as barbed wire surrounded the entire city.
            “We look stupid,” said Kate.
            The gate slammed shut behind them and the Super Spuds stared at the blue side of Mt Compton.  All the pavements, streets and walls were covered in blue paper – even the food was painted blue!  However, as the city was still an active human rubbish tip, Blood and Crip had agreed for the sake of the Super Spud race to settle their war using paint on paper, which was then stuck to buildings, roads, walls and anything else with white tack (Blood didn’t agree on blue tack as he hated blue).  When the humans came around, the Super Spuds took the paper down and hid, thus preventing suspicion as to why the entire rubbish tip was half-red and half-blue.  Once the humans left, it was then a mad scramble to put the paper back up and not lose ground to the opposition.  
Crip, a salt and vinegar flavour, greeted them and the rest of the blue side of Mt Compton clapped and cheered.
            “You’ve chosen wisely, well done.  Blue is the best colour in the world: calming, natural, heavenly.  As a blue, your mission is simple: paint the city blue and eliminate the reds.  I despise the colour red and its angry, fiery and aggressive properties.  It is so unnatural, you don’t see a red sky or a red sea, do you?” said Crip.
            “Actually, there is a Red Sea.  I had a mission over there,” said G-Boa.
            “What?  Don’t make me angry, there is no red sea, only blue seas reflecting the glorious blue sky above.  Here are some cans of blue spray paint, A4 paper, white tack and some paintbrushes.  Your orders are to fight anyone wearing a red bandana and if you come across red graffiti paper, rip it down and place your paper up instead, then spray it blue.   If you kill Blood, this war will be over and this city will have peace again.”
            “What does Blood look like?” asked G-Boa.
            “He’s as good looking as me, only he’s painted his package red.  If he wasn’t so stubborn this war would never have happened, it was obvious that blue matched our green sponge sofa better than red.”
            The four Super Spuds stood confused but respected the passion of Crip, at least.
            “I don’t feel right fighting other Super Spuds over a silly thing like colour.  This would never happen back in my city,” said King Martin.
            Crip was handed a paintball gun by his second-in-command, Snoop and declared: “Anyone who doesn’t fight will be shot, we’ll be watching.”
            Mt Compton was divided into two areas, with the middle area between the red and blue half a constant battleground with each side tussling to paint their respective colour and capture more ground.  The two teams were so even, though, that only around 10 centimetres width of land went back and forth between the two teams. 
            “I don’t see any steak and spinach flavours, only salt and vinegar, ready salted and saucy barbeque.  This should be an easy mission.  I want your word, Crip, if we help you must unlock the gate and let us have our freedom,” said General Nectarine.
            “If you win this war I’ll personally fly you back home,” Crip replied.

Most deaths in Mt Compton occurred due to the drive-by paintballing, which would often be discrete like out of the back of a car, or from a motorbike.  The high-velocity impacts nearly always killed the Super Spuds, although death was actually preferred to the shame of having your package marked an opposing colour.  General Nectarine and G-Boa surveyed the middle ground and felt optimistic about what they saw.  General Nectarine was easily the strongest Super Spud and G-Boa was unrivalled in his field skills.  General Nectarine picked up a rusty old wok lying on the ground with his left hand and, carrying a paintball gun in his right hand, he shouted, “Everyone take shelter behind me, we’re going for the tactic of shock and awe.”
            General Nectarine and G-Boa led the assault, and followed by Crip and hundreds of blue bandanas, they proceeded to the middle ground.   King Martin held Kate’s hand as they stayed behind General Nectarine and the king said, “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future or how long we will be stuck here.  But you’re beautiful and it was amazing what you did back in Mt Hollyspud for my friends.”
            “I’ve never met anyone genuine before, all the actors are so in love with themselves they don’t know how to love anyone else.  I’m looking forward to being your queen and helping the people back in England.”
            The sounds of paintballs firing disturbed their romantic moment.
            “The fighting has begun,” said King Martin.
            The red bandanas had never seen anything as ferocious in battle before as General Nectarine.  The American population preferred flavours like hamburger, cheeseburger and Texas barbeque.  They thought the spinach part of the steak and spinach flavour sounded too healthy and generally shunned the flavour, so S.P.U.D. agreed not to sell them anymore in the country.  Tuna flavours still sold well, though, Americans just hated vegetables.  General Nectarine was by far the strongest and most courageous Super Spud ever to step foot in Mt Compton.  With his left hand, he wielded the giant wok and batted red bandanas out of the way, sending them flying in the air over several metres.  With his right hand, he fired the paintball gun with perfect accuracy, even adjusting for the wind and every one of the paintballs hit their mark.  G-Boa used his martial arts skills to take down Super Spuds and he hadn’t even fired his paintball gun yet, instead preferring to humiliate the red bandanas by ‘stabbing’ them with his paintbrush and marking them blue.  Overwhelmed and outnumbered, the red bandanas retreated from the middle ground and Blood decided to greet the attackers face to face.
            “Stop this attack.  Or everything will be destroyed!” shouted Blood.
            “Do you surrender?” asked General Nectarine.
            “I don’t think you understood what I just said, fool.  You’re the ones who must surrender your weapons and that wok, or soon there will be a very large bang.”
            “I won’t lay down my wok, but keep talking and we may come to some agreement.”
            “This is the end, Blood.  I knew my blue would prevail,” said Crip.
            “If you kill me or continue this attack, the orange paint bombs will explode and destroy all of Mt Compton,” said Blood.
            Before their disagreement over red and blue, Crip and Blood were unanimous in their hatred of the colour orange.
            “You’re lying, there is no way you could sneak in to our territory, plant a paint bomb and not be caught,”
            “I always had the brains between us, remember?  I put stubbornness aside for a day and ordered twenty of my men to go undercover, taking off their red bandanas and putting on blue ones.  They sneaked into your half and planted the bombs as a failsafe in case of my capture, death or if we lost the middle ground.  If I don’t return home every night and enter the code, the paint bombs will go off.”
            “He’s not lying,” said G-Boa, who had interrogated many Super Spuds and knew when they were telling the truth.
            “That’s right, it’s mutually assured destruction through the ghastliness of orange,” said Blood.
             “Let him go.  We have no choice, an orange-covered city would be the death of all of us,” said Crip.
            “Wait! While you two are together, I think you should have my honest opinion.  I think you both are a bunch of arrogant, stubborn morons who don’t deserve such a loyal following of Super Spuds.  Blue and red are also both nasty colours, why don’t you just like purple?” said Kate.
            “Purple, what’s that?” said Blood and Crip together.
            Kate took the red and blue paint and mixed them together to create purple. As the colours fused together to create purple, Blood and Crips’ jaws began to drop and they slowly looked at each other.  They both jumped in the air, high-fived each other and hugged.  They loved the colour and immediately agreed on painting their living room purple.  In a matter of minutes, all the red and blue paper had gone and the citizens removed their bandanas.  Blood and Crip played the song ‘Purple Rain’ by Prince and all the inhabitants held hands and sang along to the words.  Mt Compton was now a peaceful city once again.
            “Solving gang warfare is easy,” commented G-Boa.

Mt Compton transformed into a city of polite-bys, handshake-offs and absolute zero-crime.  It even became a cooler city to live in than Mt Hollyspud as its fashion laws were more relaxed, in fact, it only had one: wear purple.  As the crime rate was now zero, this drastically reduced the crime level statistics for America as a whole.  This feat was recognized by the President of the United States and he sent a request to Mt Compton ordering King Martin and his friends to visit him in the capital city called Mt AC:DC, located in Washington.  Unlike the rest of the Super Spud world, in the United States there was only ever one unified ruler of all the Super Spud cities: the President.  The President was voted into office every six months – or earlier if he or she died – and unlike the other countries flavouring had nothing to do with being elected (or becoming the monarch).  The deciding two factors, primarily, were a massive campaign fund and high-power friends in close places.  The current president was President Bush, a Texas BBQ flavour and he had replaced President Julie, the first female Super Spud to hold power.   President Bush lived in the Spud House, a large white building in Mt AC:DC with a generous lawn and even a fountain.  There were rumours of a sophisticated network of underground passageways and deep survival bunkers dotted around Mt AC:DC to ensure the President was always protected in emergencies.  America’s Super Spud intelligence agency was also located there in a building called the Hexagon.  Under orders from President Bush, Clint had no choice but to command the opening of Mt Compton’s gate and ensure the four Super Spuds were put on the first postal box to Washington.  

This was an extract from Super Spuds Book 4 - Over Land and Sea.  If you enjoyed it and would like to read more about the Super Spuds, please click on the book covers at the left hand side to be taken to the Kindle store.

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