Sunday, 1 January 2012

The Super Spud Times:January Edition

New Year’s Eve celebrated around the world

Happy New Year to all our readers!  For our main story, this edition takes a look at some of the more unorthodox New Year’s Eve traditions which take place around the Super Spud world.

In cities across Denmark, Super Spuds welcomed in the New Year by jumping off their chairs.  Most Danish Super Spuds jumped for fun, in the hope of banishing bad-spirits; but others did it to compete for the highly lucrative, Medal of Highest Jumper.  This medal is only competed for on New Year’s Eve and is extremely dangerous because of the lethal heights involved.  The medal is awarded to the Super Spud who jumps off the highest chair and survives; however, nine out of ten Super Spuds do not survive a jump from a chair over 70 centimetres in height. The current world record stands at 1.10 metres and is held by General Lars  –  who broke both legs and ruptured all internal organs, but miraculously survived.  This year, 600 Danish Super Spuds died trying to beat the record.  Most of the casualties  –  as usual  –  were the egotistical salt and vinegar flavours trying to impress the female spectators.  General Niels almost survived after jumping 1.11 metres, but unfortunately died in the ambulance to the hospital.

The inhabitants of Mt Ash in Wales took part in a 5 kilometre run around their city to commemorate the achievements of General Guto  –  a legendary steak and spinach flavour who broke all the world running records in the March 2010 Super Spud Olympic games held in Mt Ash.  Due to the incredible distance involved, the race actually begins December 30th and involves the Super Spuds running nearly 10,000 circuit laps of the city.  General Quick won this year’s race in a record time of forty hours and ten minutes.

Across Spain and Mexico, Super Spuds welcomed the New Year by eating 12 grapes, one every chime of their respective town bell.  It is believed this tradition started because of an excess of grapes which needed to be eaten; however, this tradition is highly dangerous as many Super Spuds cannot cope with eating 12 large grapes in quick succession and often choke to death.  Two hundred Super Spuds died this time.  Organizers are considering breaking from tradition and switching to raisins next year to reduce the fatality rate.

Elsewhere, the usual festivities and street parties took place to welcome in 2012. At Mt Thames in London the Super Spuds gathered around Small Ben, the oldest and largest bell tower in the Super Spud world, to see the New Year in.

New television series announced

Following the massive ratings success of I’m a Super Spud, get me out of here, SSTV has announced details of a new TV show for 2012 entitled: Strictly Action-Packed Super Spud Dancing.  The show will see Super Spuds performing epic dance routines each week and flavours competing will include: steak and spinach, blueberry, blackcurrant, menthol mint and duck.  SSTV promises the show will be a spectacle of dance, guns, explosions, drama, romance and murder.

Generals prepare to occupy Mt Creepy

A brave group of generals have volunteered to enter the world’s scariest Super Spud city, Mt Creepy, in the early months of 2012.  The mission has been three months in the planning and only the most courageous generals from around the world have been selected.  Mt Creepy, which was once a prime tourist destination known as Mt Pleasant, is now an eerie, desolated place since the infamous ‘incident’ of March 2011.  General Hard, who is leading the mission, commented: “Mt Pleasant used to be a tourist haven and an economic powerhouse for the local Super Spud government.  The city is located on the banks of a river, and tourists used to flock to the golden sand beaches and long grass reeds.  It was like being on an exotic tropical island, except in England; but then everything changed.  From our intelligence gathered from satellite pictures, one morning in March last year a fog developed and shrouded the city.  The population vanished.  We sent General Max in one month ago with a walkie-talkie, but I’m afraid what he reported is too frightening to repeat.  If I did I fear your readers may never sleep again.  General Max never returned to us, the last we heard were the gunshots and then, I’m ashamed to say, his screams.  The noises we heard then before the battery ran out on the walkie-talkie were…unusual.  Fear not, Operation: Shoot First and Ask Later, will be a resounding success and the city shall once again become a thriving tourist hotspot”.    
          Conspiracy theories concerning what happened during the ‘incident’ are abundant, the most popular one: the fog carried with it a virus, which turned the Super Spuds into zombies.  This paper wishes General Hard and his courageous squad all the best.    

2011 Statistics

The data statistics for 2011 have just been released.  These figures, compiled by tuna flavours, are a valuable insight into the leading cause of Super Spud deaths.  Tuna flavours hope that by assessing the statistics they can hope to reduce Super Spud fatality rates in the future.  Here is the data:

Total Super Spud deaths in 2011: 3,256,133.

Top 10 causes of death:

1.     Humans
2.     Punctures to packaging
3.     Cats/dogs/seagulls
4.     Super Spud Olympics
5.     Super Spud World Wars
6.     Showing-off
7.     Extreme weather events
8.     Evil Super Spuds
9.     Choking on food
10. Slips, trips and falls

Have a safe and enjoyable 2012!

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