Monday, 14 November 2011

Super Spud cities

Once a Super Spud is able to walk and move their natural survival instinct is to, as quickly as possible, locate and hide forever in the nearest human rubbish tip. 

Why rubbish tips?  Simple: there are hardly any humans around.  One of the three fundamental magic rules states: “If a human sees or hears a Super Spud, that Super Spud shall die instantly”.  So avoiding humans at all cost is always priority number one for a Super Spud.  But even then, nearly every animal in the world also wants to eat them, so you can’t blame a Super Spud for wanting to reach the relative safety of the rubbish tip and its confines.

Super Spuds have been alive now for nearly two years, so almost every rubbish tip in the world has been extensively developed into a Super Spud city.  To the untrained eye, these Super Spud cities just look like a disorganized jumble of, well, rubbish. But search deep within the rubbish and you’ll find networks of streets, rows of houses, stadiums, cinema complexes and, depending on the size of the rubbish tip, even a theme park or water park!  In circumstances where a rubbish tip has used all the available land and the humans have covered it with grass - to make it seem like a natural hill - the Super Spud city is simply built underground and carved out of the compacted rubbish.  Generally though, despite the protection against seagull attacks an underground city provides, Super Spuds prefer an open-plan rubbish tip and the feel of fresh air on their faces.  Defence is always a number one priority in any Super Spud city, as each city regularly faces attacks from seagulls, foxes, evil bands of rogue Brussels sprouts flavours and methane gas explosions.  Most cities are equipped with surface-to-air pencil launchers (SAP) to take down seagulls; and usually there are a large volume of heroic steak and spinach flavours to protect the inhabitants of each city.

The lifespan of a Super Spud outside of a city is roughly three to four hours.  Inside of a city though, they can potentially live forever as the only way a Super Spud can die is through a puncture of its package or being seen by a human.  The picture below is a rubbish tip.  That’s the opinion of any human looking at it, except it’s actually Mt Jago – a Super Spud city with a population of 800 Super Spuds.  Mt Jago is actually quite a dangerous city for a Super Spud to live in, due to the large volume of jagged scrap metal that can easily puncture a Super Spud’s packaging; however, many Super Spuds choose to live there for the year long blue skies and warm temperatures.

As you can see from the picture above, appearances can be deceiving.  Super Spuds are masters of disguise and extremely capable at turning human waste to their advantage.  Next time you pass by a rubbish tip or landfill think about the hundreds of Super Spuds who call it their home, and if you happen to see thousands of seagulls circling overhead, pray that the Super Spuds are able to defend against them!

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Super Spud Times: November Edition


General Ganadalf vows not to let evil Brussels sprouts pass

General Ganadalf declared today that he would not let any evil Brussels sprouts walk across the bridge leading into Mount Oasis.  A recently born Super Spud, General Ganadalf appeared in Mt Oasis two days ago and took it upon himself to personally guard the magnificent, narrow bridge leading into the city.  Armed with only a sharpened HB pencil, General Ganadalf shouts every top of the hour the sentence: “You will not pass!” while slamming the rubber end of his pencil down firmly into the bridge.  Inhabitants of Mt Oasis are relieved that a general is now guarding the bridge, after numerous and deadly attacks by bands of marauding Brussels sprouts on the city in recent weeks.

Bonfire night claims many casualties

This year’s bonfire celebrations to remember the legend of General Fawkes were as deadly as ever.  Officially, 400 Super Spuds lost their lives after playing with toffee apples.  As every Super Spud is aware fireworks, sparklers and bonfires are banned by the Tenth Amendment of the Super Spud Constitution because they attract too much unwanted attention from curious humans. Once again, unsupervised Super Spuds foolishly took part in notoriously dangerous toffee apple related games.  This year, however, the biggest mass casualty arose in Mount Rima, when a 100 litre molten cauldron of toffee accidentally fell over at an organized event.  The resulting tidal wave of toffee blistered and drowned 30 Super Spuds.  Super Spuds are once again warned that toffee apple games can be lethal and should be conducted under supervision only by tuna flavours.


The Mount Haima grand prix was won by Jet – a salt and vinegar flavour – who set a new fastest lap in the process.  The racetrack, uniquely square shaped, is traditionally one of the more boring races on the circuit as it lacks a loop-the-loop or even a crossroads.  Yet the race this time threw up many incidents and dramas.  Jet now leads the driver standings, 2 points ahead of Jenson.

Mount Thames has declared it is ready to host next month’s Super Spud Olympic Games.  New events this year are as follows: holly leaf hurdles, quicksand escape, no blinking stare-off, and one armed chin-ups. Doubts have been raised about the size of Mt Thames and its ability to transport and accommodate the huge influx of Super Spuds expected for the games, but a spokesperson stated they would simply “cram” Super Spuds into the trains and hotel rooms, and anyone who complained would receive a Medal of Being a Whinging Pom.


It is with great sadness that we announce the death of General Bane.  At only the age of three months, General Bane already had 50 Medals of Heroism to his name. Today, this paper is proud to officially announce that a Medal of Absolutely Ridiculous Heroism has posthumously been awarded for his courageous last moments.  Fighting alone against 40 attacking Brussels sprouts flavours and armed only with a drawing pin and a tin foil shield, General Bane defended the besieged hospital with all of his strength and skill.  Holding out until reinforcements arrived, General Bane was then attacked by a seagull and died instantly.   

Thursday, 3 November 2011

The Medals

Earning medals means everything to Super Spuds.  Not only does it allow bragging rights between the different flavours, but it improves that Super Spud’s self-esteem and increases their prospects of finding a job, love, friends and even fame.  For example, job interviews are highly discriminate and solely judged on which interview candidate has the more respectable medal collection.   Some medals are highly respectable, such as a Medal of Bravery, while a Medal of Cowardice will permanently cast a shadow over that Super Spud’s life.  Super Spud wars are also decided on which side has won the most medals.  All the data concerning the allocation of medals is stored in the vast Medal Bank in the Super Spud city of Mount Harweel.  In this blog, you will learn of just some of the different types of medals: bad ones, good ones, and just plain random ones!  

Examples of the Medals

1)      Medal of Absolute Ridiculous Heroism  

Any fool can be a hero, but this medal is awarded to those Super Spuds who display acts of courage which can only be described as suicidal.    Usually it is the generals who are awarded these – posthumously, in most cases.  General Sharp is currently the only living recipient of this medal.  He earned it by single-handedly defeating a dozen attacking evil Brussels sprouts flavours and successfully defending the hospital they were trying to destroy.  When I say single-handedly, I mean it in the literal sense that he defeated them with just his right arm and hand, because both his legs and his left arm had been blown off in the course of the same attack by a thumbtack grenade.  This is a tough medal to earn.     

2)      Medal of Making Their Captain Proud

Generally, only the Fisherman’s Friend flavours or sea salt flavours receive these because they were the only flavours who ventured out into the open seas.  On the giant floating rubbish barges or on the vessels these flavours sailed on, there would always be a captain – who was always stern, humourless and very hard to please. That is, except when a Super Spud on his vessel he commanded did something so courageous, or respected the Maritime Code in such a way that the captain couldn’t help but feel proud of his crew member.  They are tough medals to earn though; only ten have ever been awarded.  The most recent one awarded was to Stuart the sea salt flavour, who, in hurricane strength winds and vastly swollen seas, jumped overboard to rescue his captain’s favourite hat and returned it safely.  Captain Birdeyes couldn’t help but shed a tear and nominated Michael for this particular medal. 

3)      Medal of Cowardice

The name says it all.  If a Super Spud fails to save another Super Spud's life when he/she could have intervened at minimum risk to his/her own safety, then they will likely be judged by passers-by and nominated for this medal.  Of course, it is only the steak and spinach flavours who willingly risk their life every second, for often meaningless circumstances, and most of the flavours don’t mind too much if they are given the odd Medal of Cowardice.  But not the steak and spinach, to this day no Medal of Cowardice has ever been given to this flavour.

4)      Medal of Well-Spoken English

Super Spuds, especially steak and spinach flavours, love to hear rousing, impassioned speeches for any subject.  To be nominated, the Super Spud giving the speech has to speak for more than one minute, use at least three words over seven letters long and raise their voice on the last sentence.  It sounds easy, but this medal isn’t just handed out to any random speaker.   Crucially, there must be the correct mix of strong emotion and clear, eloquent pronunciation.  Any Super Spud who has earned this medal will almost certainly be hired for any job, particularly marketing, over a Super Spud who doesn’t have one.

5)      Medal of Extreme Popularity

Like humans, Super Spuds also have their own internet and social networking sites including: Spudbook, Spudspace, and Spudder.  If any one Super Spud managed to accumulate a total of a million friends on either of these social websites then they receive this medal and gain all kinds of rewards.  Having a million friends though is a hard feat to accomplish and only one Super Spud presently owns this medal – his name is Mark the salt and vinegar flavour.  He’s good looking, confident and not too arrogant by salt and vinegar standards, which has made him incredibly popular online.  The medal also grants him –and 1,000 guests of his choosing free access to night clubs and theme parks!

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The different flavours

It is a well known fact that Super Spuds are the greatest taste sensation on Earth.  Even Michelin-starred chefs cannot compete with the mind-blowing explosion of flavour which is produced by each single slice of potato.  Unknown to humans though, once the potato is flavoured and the crisp packet sealed, the ingredients of the flavouring infuse with the magic power to alter the personality of that Super Spud.
This blog will tell you about just some of the different flavours and their associated personalities.  You’ll meet many more flavours in the novel!  I hope you enjoy reading about them.
Steak and Spinach
Steak and spinach are two ingredients packed full of iron.  The result: these flavours become strong, courageous and well disciplined.  This Super Spud is always a general and likes nothing more than testing his, or her, strength and chivalry in battle.  No steak and spinach flavour has ever earned a Medal of Cowardice and their home is always the army base within the Super Spud city.
Strengths: Courage; Fitness; Stamina.
Weaknesses: Too eager to die and become a hero.  Lack of humour.
These fishy flavours are exploding with omega-3 fish oils, giving these Super Spuds unrivalled intelligence within the Super Spud world.  Their IQ is higher than any human, and one of the first things a tuna flavour does upon reaching a Super Spud city is to take a degree in every subject at the university and gain 100% in a matter of hours.
Strengths: Intelligence.
Weaknesses: Unsocial; Over-complicates simple solutions.
Salt and Vinegar
The world’s most popular flavouring before the creation of Super Spud crisp packets now taste even better! Salt and vinegar may not be an exotic or unusual combination, but the partnership works perfectly.  These are the most popular flavours and consistently out-sell the other flavours (unless there is a limited edition flavour on release). These flavours become super arrogant at creation because they are aware - perhaps through magic - that the people of Earth love them so much and they (incorrectly) assume that other Super Spuds love them just as much.  Salt and vinegars are arrogant, crude and in love with only themselves. While generally harmless, their vanity is their weakness and they love nothing more than looking in the mirror, getting manicures and receiving compliments.
Strengths: Confidence; Charm.
Weaknesses: Cannot handle rejection; Distracted easily by mirrors.
Brussels Sprouts
Brussels sprouts are either loved by humans, or hated vehemently.  Unfortunately, those humans who hate them (mainly children) throw them away from the multipacks they are in, but not before using a torrent of harsh words and abuse to describe their disdain for Brussels sprouts flavours.  These nasty words make the Super Spud inside upset and angry at the cruel world and once their expiry date passes, they have no goodness left.  They are evil minions willing to take orders and all they want is to make other Super Spuds suffer like they did.  There are no good Brussel sprouts flavours and a fellow Super Spud doesn't want to meet one of these unless it has a general with it for protection.
Strengths: Discipline; Willingness to kill.
Weaknesses: Poor intellect; Too driven by hatred to think rationally and sanely.
Caesar Salad
Domineering and power hungry, this flavour loves nothing more than to command a unit of pizza margheritas and pillage cities and take prisoners.  Unique to Italy, they are reluctant to venture across Italian borders where the taste of food is inferior and the weather cooler.  Due to their healthy ingredients, they are permanently fit and could outrun a general for stamina. 
Strengths: Leadership; Courage.
Weakness: Power mad; Most likely to cause their own destruction.

Fisherman’s Friend
This flavour is uncomfortable upon land. Once able to move, they quickly set about making for the nearest sea, river or lake.  These flavours inhabit the giant floating rubbish barges in the oceans, built by the humans as an extra means of storing their waste.  Only the motion of the sea and the spray of sea salt in their faces makes them truly happy.  They take their orders from a designated captain, and famous captains in Super Spud history include: Captain Birdeyes and Captain Brownbeard.  Content to live their life adrift, they are a quiet flavour and harmless.  They are also expert fishermen.
Strengths: Ocean masters.
Weaknesses:  Unable to cope on dry land.

An introduction to the world of the Super Spud

In the early months of 2010 the people of Earth became increasingly bored with the taste of crisps, their favourite snack, and they called for an improvement in quality. As the year progressed, the continuing global dissatisfaction culminated in worldwide mass rioting and strike action over the summer. The governments and leaders of the world had no option but to call a crisis summit to discuss how to end the striking and heavy violence. The leaders of the world negotiated and agreed that S.P.U.D., the world’s largest crisp manufacturer, would be given unlimited resources and power to create the best crisp flavours in the world. Trillions of dollars were spent on potato genetic engineering, and then, finally, it happened. One mile underground in the company’s top secret potato laboratory, two genes were spliced together and the Super Spud potato variety was born. The result: the Super Spud was to become the greatest taste sensation ever known. The global crisis was solved and the people of Earth could get back to their daily routines; but for the Super Spuds, their lives were only just beginning.

       Hello, I am the author of the Super Spud Trilogy and welcome to my blog. The above paragraph is the prologue to my novel, which is due to be released in early 2012.  Over the upcoming months I shall be updating this blog with further information concerning Super Spuds and their secret world among us humans.  I hope you enjoy reading about the Super Spuds.